one way street.

same man
keeps walking
same way
down my
one way
street

(at night after the cold rain came and street lights shattered the pavement)




body.

and i am not owner of you and you are not owner of me
a body i live in a house i call home
squeaking staircases shards of glass and the attic of my grandparents' things
mice in those walls and the smell of dead books
and i do not have a home.



from behind.

ask for it from behind
feels especially cheap like that

i can kiss a man for ten seconds and know how i should kiss him the rest of my life.

cheap.


reflection in a window.

i
house
five
mouths.


from survival to suicide.

plastic glove waving from a skinny branch.
waving at me.
to stop living for others (mom +) worry) means to live for me
?
means to die. i am not.
this body. yours. mine. alone. together.
'remember no one will ever love the real you' feels true.
not sad. just true.
for it's ideal to be on a vast beach meditating before the ocean and an eternal sunrise all alone no others no people just me and the universe and earth and that from which i came.
faced with real.

there are four or five me's.
i play tricks on the others to trip them up.
i nap when she needs to work i forget what she must remember i put off the bullshit she feels she must get done before play. i fuck just to piss her off. i sabotage her.
i sink her into a little pit of despair and limpness.
she loses muscle control and becomes a pile. a pile is incapable of productivity other than that imposed upon it by its own nature. chemicals.
smoke.
fire.
piles dont 'accomplish' things.
i am so tired of trying to accomplish things.

i am letting go of that which was never held. never.

i let go of family and body and desire for good and desire for love and happy.
jaded. sex is a tool. a medium through which jade comes forth.
i vomit mentally.
split splat on sacred ground.
and i am so. tiny. and i am so infinite. and you (niverse) are so big. and tiny.

jesus how did we go from survival to suicide?

i see neither cloud nor sky.

the night is bright in my city.
nature's city.