1. THE ART OF QUOTING HARPO MARX
Like right speech, it should be practiced with restraint,
usually, when you don't have anything helpful to say,
about children, opera, or anything else for that matter.
And besides, no one asked for your opinion, anyway.
2. CHICO MARX EXPLAINS OPERA
Sure, I listen to opera.
I watch opera all the time on TV.
She's got a magazine, too.
But I don't read so good.
3. GROUCHO MARX THROWS OUT THE FIRST PITCH
As the familiar strains of Tosca repeat themselves tonight,
take a bicarbonate of soda and skip the first act entirely.
If you can't skip, try prancing.
All in all, we feel certain you will be thrilled and delighted
by Puccini's music, which should come as surprise
since we're actually presenting Verdi's La traviata instead.
Of course, for the second act we hope to revive Rossini
if we can sober him up and find out what he did with Mussorgsky.
We tried to locate Handel but all we found was a brass doorknocker.
And if Rossini can't play we've got Donizetti ondeck to pinch hit,
although it isn't likely he'll get on base
with Tinkers, Evers and Chance roaming the orchestra pit.
Nevertheless, we feel we've got a strong lineup
with Stravinsky on the mound, Offenbach and Bizet in the outfield
and Wagner batting cleanup and doing the dishes.
In fact, we've got a good chance to win the pennant this year
if we can just stay away from the third act. Naturally, it would have been
a different opera season altogether if we could have signed DiMaggio.